I am back and a little more myself now.......
I wanted to thank so many for the support, recomendations and the prayers you sent my way. I was kind of surprised everyone assumed I meant some kind of job, though. So, I guess I will elaborate a bit on what I was struggling with this past week. it was employment and the future that triggered the episode but it si not the issue at heart.
I am actually facing the fact that all I wanted as far as "normal" will never be for me. Now, I realize that sounds silly to many because, we all know there is no such thing as "normal." However, my dream of life has always been to be some sort of normal. I don't mean status quo 2 cars, perfect kids stuff (although my kids are pretty close to eprfect to me LOL I think theya re great!), I mean just being able to live, work and exist in the realm everyone else does. Since I was very young, due to life circumstances, I have lived on the fringe of what everyone else does (no one's fault, my parents did the best they could with what they had and loved us all in the best way they knew how and in doing so have given me incredible life skills that I am so happy to have) but, anyone who knew us knew we were out there. My husband and I actually do not despise the blending into the populace and just living. We both think that changing the world happens one person at a time and rarely by the thousands, so we love meeting and loving that one person and allowing them to touch our lives as well.
Recently, I decided I needed a more regular part time employment because most likely, when they retire my husband from the military he will be fully disabled and I will need to be the main breadwinner. I knew I had limitations due to my hearing and some other physical issues but truthfully, the reality of how that would impact me in this arena had never hit me. It was this that made me realize I am not going to be a part of "normal" life but instead, due to life happening as it has, I will always be on this edge LOL. I will never be able to get just any old job. I will never not have my life shaped by all these things I will never be able to do and participate as everyone else does in life. We may never find anything even remotly close to normal for a few more years just because of my husbands condition and truthfully, I am tired. We all are. Monday I was exhausted with the struggle.
Everone asks why would you settle for mediocrity? I tell them living in the vaccuum of intensity and abnormal is not always so great. It is exhausting, it takes a physical toll on the whole family as well as an extreme emotional one. Let us just say it is even close to exciting at all after a few years and you long for a place of rest where you can just experience a somewhat normal day that has not been dictated by so many extreme circumstances.
I do believe the Lord controls all things but right now, I also feel like I am not up to what He has called us to. I am already past the down point of Monday when I last posted, but I am also realizing perhaps I need to begin to reroute some things in me. Not because I am an "I can't" person but because I am realizing I may have held on to some things that were not part of God's will for my life. His plan is perfect and I know that, but sometimes letting go of self no matter how grounded you are is a rather difficult process.
Blessings to all today and I will be back again after the weekend!!!!!