Friday, July 28, 2006

I am back and a little more myself now.......

I wanted to thank so many for the support, recomendations and the prayers you sent my way. I was kind of surprised everyone assumed I meant some kind of job, though. So, I guess I will elaborate a bit on what I was struggling with this past week. it was employment and the future that triggered the episode but it si not the issue at heart.

I am actually facing the fact that all I wanted as far as "normal" will never be for me. Now, I realize that sounds silly to many because, we all know there is no such thing as "normal." However, my dream of life has always been to be some sort of normal. I don't mean status quo 2 cars, perfect kids stuff (although my kids are pretty close to eprfect to me LOL I think theya re great!), I mean just being able to live, work and exist in the realm everyone else does. Since I was very young, due to life circumstances, I have lived on the fringe of what everyone else does (no one's fault, my parents did the best they could with what they had and loved us all in the best way they knew how and in doing so have given me incredible life skills that I am so happy to have) but, anyone who knew us knew we were out there. My husband and I actually do not despise the blending into the populace and just living. We both think that changing the world happens one person at a time and rarely by the thousands, so we love meeting and loving that one person and allowing them to touch our lives as well.

Recently, I decided I needed a more regular part time employment because most likely, when they retire my husband from the military he will be fully disabled and I will need to be the main breadwinner. I knew I had limitations due to my hearing and some other physical issues but truthfully, the reality of how that would impact me in this arena had never hit me. It was this that made me realize I am not going to be a part of "normal" life but instead, due to life happening as it has, I will always be on this edge LOL. I will never be able to get just any old job. I will never not have my life shaped by all these things I will never be able to do and participate as everyone else does in life. We may never find anything even remotly close to normal for a few more years just because of my husbands condition and truthfully, I am tired. We all are. Monday I was exhausted with the struggle.

Everone asks why would you settle for mediocrity? I tell them living in the vaccuum of intensity and abnormal is not always so great. It is exhausting, it takes a physical toll on the whole family as well as an extreme emotional one. Let us just say it is even close to exciting at all after a few years and you long for a place of rest where you can just experience a somewhat normal day that has not been dictated by so many extreme circumstances.

I do believe the Lord controls all things but right now, I also feel like I am not up to what He has called us to. I am already past the down point of Monday when I last posted, but I am also realizing perhaps I need to begin to reroute some things in me. Not because I am an "I can't" person but because I am realizing I may have held on to some things that were not part of God's will for my life. His plan is perfect and I know that, but sometimes letting go of self no matter how grounded you are is a rather difficult process.

Blessings to all today and I will be back again after the weekend!!!!!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Where do dreams go to die?

and just how long do we allow them to lie in state before we finally bury them? I am struggling with this right now. Some things that I have held in my heart for a long time seem to never be coming to fruition. I am not sure why and don't really care to explore it right now, truthfully, it is just a bit too painful .....But,when do we finally give them up? I am not talking unrealistic or fairytale dreams, I am talking the type that really should seem perfectly feasible, but never seem to get off the ground no matter how much you try.

There are so many different views. Some would say they were not meant to be, some may say that it is not the right time, others would say not to focus so much on what "is not" when I have so much that "is." Yet, I am finding that unlike childhood dreams, that gently fade away into reality, adult dreams shatter to pieces like brittle glass that will splinter everywhere and cut and stick you every time you try to sweep them up and move on.

I'm not sure how we let go of such things and when it stops hurting. I am not even sure if letting go is really just giving up the fight but I do know at some point there must be some sort of resolution; closure if you will.

So, where do dreams go to die? I do believe the answer is somewhere deep in your heart.

Blessings to all and never fear by my next update later in the week, I will most likely be in a completely different frame of mind.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

AHHHHH! So Sorry I've Been Away BUT......

I am hiding from the world on my own mini vacation with my husband. A rare occurance has occurred! We are childless for a week! What bliss, what joy, what QUIET!

Our adventure began last week after we had our houseguest return to her home (which was a wonderful visit). From there we took one child and left them with friends in San Antonio. By Sunday 2 others were packing to leave on a church youth group trip. Monday at 6 AM we were blissfully alone.

Our exotic destination? Our home; blinds closed, doors locked and the two of us enjoying the rare and beautiful scenery of our kitchen being clean all the time, the laundry caught up and the lights off in every room but the one we are in. There is no water on the counter, no bags and shoes in the middle of the floor and no empty milk jug shoved back in the refrigerator. The pathway to the back of the house is quiet, not a single argument, not a single whine and no doors obstructing the walkway.

I confess, as someone who married very young and has had a child ever since she was just barely 18, I do look forward to the days when my husband and I will be alone. However, I also admit that at times the house seems strangely quiet, the order seems almost eerie and the lights all being off sometimes make me feel a little lonely for my kiddos. But, not so much so that I will want them home early! A couple more days in this exotic location may be just what the doctor ordered!

I will be back to a regualr post in about 3 days but until then, Bon Voyage! The ship is out to sea and there is a lounger with my name on it calling to me.

Blessings ya'll!

Friday, July 07, 2006

It's official! We are seriously SPOILED!

My dishwasher is doing some weird leaking through the wall thing. No biggy, I call a work order in to All Star (who manages and takes care of quarters on our military post)and get a plumber out here immediately (water leaking is an emergency even to them LOL)....

The first plumber, last night, walks around with a flashlight , even though our lights were on, looking at it and saying "Gee! I don't know what it is but it sure is wet there."

Ya' don't say???

After about 20 minutes he says, "Nothing emergent there, we will just call in your dishwasher is broken and someone can come out tomorrow." I stayed up til 11:30 waiting for him to hear this??? Did I mention, that in the process he tried to pull the dishwasher out without loosening screws and so he pulled the door off and broke it? So now I have a leaking spot and a dishwasher that won't close....

Today the first man shows up, he's the REAL plumber, he says "Yup you have a leak!" Really??? I didn't guess those bath towels soaked through and the puddle around them on the floor were from a leak??? (can we HEAR my sarcastic thought process here?).

He actually loosens the screws before attempting to pull out the the ancient behemoth we call a dishwasher here, so for that he at least gets a few points. "YUP!" There it is, right there at the pump. Gonna be cheaper to put a new one in than to fix it."

Well HALLELUIA!! My dishwasher is kind of a family joke anyways. It really just sanitizes since we have to scrub them before we load them anyways, and even then we often get mysterious little hard particles all over our dishes that makes them need rewashed by hand! My children, however, are responsible for this so I do not suffer too much.

The REAL Plumber informs me the dishwasher lady, has to come by to get the dishwasher fixed, since he only handles plumbing. He says he will call her right away. Finally at 4 PM the dishwasher lady arrives. How exciting a new dishwasher.....

Okay don't get excited yet, she informs us, yes we need one but we need an APPOINTMENT to get it installed. An appointment??? She is standing RIGHT here? But, alas! We must wait. Til when? Next week she says. On Monday I get to have a phone consultation to find out WHEN the dishwasher lady is available, then we hope to have something by the middle of the week.

All three children say "WHAT??? The middle of NEXT week???? How will we do dishes???"

By hand of course...."BY HAND?!?!?!"

So I conclude with, it's official we are seriously spoiled.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Glorious Freedom!

I was thinking this weekend about freedom. What it costs to purchase it. It is the blood of those who give of themselves freely that purchase our freedom. What a concept. Someone laid down their life so I can sit among scoffers or follow wholeheartedly after those who went before me, continuing to protect the freedom I have. I can honor the blood that purchased me or I can trample it into the dirt and make it another part of the mud.

The freedom we as Americans have is much like the freedom we gain in Christ. Jesus died so ALL could be free all we have to do is choose to honor it as opposed to trampling it. Not complicated is it? However, we make it seem so hard. Just as we as Americans can choose whether we honor those who died for us or not, we can choose the same for our eternity.

See, we can disgaree with how it was done, we can argue that it was not good enough that there is MORE we can even say our freedom is a bad thing. The beauty of this nation is you can do just that and live and enjoy the benefits of the freedom or you can allow yourself to walk around in bondage and opression because, the truth is youa re free irregardless, it is just a matter of whether you choose to walk in it!.

The same can be said of our Lord and his freedom. All have the opportunity to benefit from His work on the cross, all they have to do is choose it, or they can choose to live mired down in opression and bondage. it is a glorious thing to be free! I pray all are giving thanks here today for not just our national freedom but also the freedom of our spirit from death and hell.